Taking Down TanksBy: Jason "Foolybear" Lineberger
Wednesday November 7, 2007
It seems that, over the past few years, more and more teams have joined the ranks of those nutty paintball gearheads, that “special” breed, the tankers. To become a part of the tanker community, you need to be wiling to sink massive amounts of time and money into a motorized beast that will never go faster (in a game) than 5 mph, and you have to accept that although your rolling fortress can withstand a storm of paintballs, a single dink from a Nerf round will send you puttering to the dead box. If you like driving your personal sauna, blasting '80s hair metal, and making paintballers scurry like roaches when the light’s turned on, tanking could be your calling.
Gunning in a tank can be so fun it feels like it should be illegal, but most players have to deal with being on the receiving end of the barrage from a giggling turret gunner. Tanks represent an obstacle, a big armored obstacle with guns, standing between your team and those valuable mission points. So how does David take on the mechanized Goliath? Read on for six tank-busting strategies.
1. Run away. Most often when I’m on the field I carry neither grenades nor a LAW, so this first and most obvious option is the one I often unashamedly choose. If running away sounds cowardly to you, think mil-sim and call it a “tactical retreat.” Whatever the case, avoidance is often the best way to handle tanks. They can’t shoot you if you’re not there, but don’t treat all screaming retreats equally. If you can, run toward your objective. If you’ve played any tourney ball, think of the situation as one of those times when you have 30 seconds to hang the flag and two guys stand between you and victory. It’s balls to the wall time. When there’s a tank behind you, why not take a chance and go for it? If you hang around, the tank’s going to get you, so there’s nothing to lose. If the Braveheart charge isn’t your thing, lope into the woods and look for a new route to your objective; just stay away from trails. The bigger armor can’t roll away from the tank roads, and certain producers won’t allow that anyway.
2. Read the rules. To come equipped to handle a tank, you have to read the rules to know the proper method for eliminating your arch-nemesis. Most games allow a single hit by a LAW (Nerf) rocket to do the trick, and if they allow LAWs, you need to know chrono speed and what to do with the rockets once they’ve been fired. In other words, can you pick it up and try again, or do you need to get a specially marked round from the producer? Some will have you shoot target points or hit a kill switch, a task that can be accomplished with your paintball gun. Can a grenade do the trick? Usually a single grenade will immobilize a tank and two will destroy it, but every game’s different, so hit the books before you hit the field. I played one producer’s game in which a satchel charge could take out the tank, but they couldn’t be thrown, nor could players approach the tank. One smart demolitions expert finally realized that he could drop a charge in the tank’s path, hide to the side of the trail, then blow the tank when it rolled over the spot. Know the rules.
3. Speed bump. For the safety of players, most producers have rules that cover when a tank can move toward a stationary player, establishing a buffer zone around both. Since a lot of these beasts have guns mounted on a turret, usually fairly high on the tank’s body to give them some shooting elevation, they have no angle directly down. I’ve seen a tank effectively immobilized by a brave player lying in the road in front of it. The tank couldn’t advance, and the player’s teammate took advantage of the confusion to lie down behind the tank, preventing it from reversing. The ref on hand kept the tank stationary for safety, so it never got to the action on the field. You may think this sort of move would be dull for the guys on the road, but the curses of the tank crew kept them entertained. Eventually the tankers called themselves out and headed to the dead zone to reinsert. But remember, if the ref tells you to move — move! Don’t get run over by a tank.
4. Immobilize it. Similar to the speed bump strategy, sometimes it’s best not to kill a tank but to render it immobile. Some producers utilize the tank mechanic role — when a tank gets stopped on the field (by a single grenade hit, for instance) they have to remain there until the mechanic repairs the damage. Now the tank has become one of those chunky back players from the '90s – it can shoot like crazy, but it won’t move. Run your team around the danger zone and head for your tank-free objective.
5. The LAW. LAW stands for Light Antitank Weapon, and with the rise of tanks, more players own them. Some homemade versions mimic real bazookas, while others are just slightly bigger than most markers. I’ve seen ones that run on compressed air, CO2 tanks, and 12 grams, even some that can fire multiple rounds, like an antitank revolver. The craziest I’ve witnessed is a working replica of the Halo SPANKR, complete with twin barrels that fire independently. LAWs are fun because a single shot will bust the big bad tank, but you have to pick your angle to make that single shot count. When using a LAW, the woods are not your friend. Don’t you hate those little twigs in the woods that stop your perfect one-ball to the gogs? Now imagine you only get one shot, and your round is much larger and more easily deflected. Go for open shooting lanes; if you can get above your target, that’s usually a safe place to line up a clear shot. Otherwise get close, hide behind something substantial, then fire as the tank rolls by. Coerce some buddies to dance around and pull the tank’s guns away from you. If they do it, you can call yourselves an antitank team and go for that lucrative Nerf sponsorship.
6. Remain calm. Don’t let the fact that you’re being pursued by a pure ton of machine guns with a Guns ‘N’ Roses soundtrack rattle your nerves. Think of the tank as that guy at the local field with the really fast gun. Remember the day you flanked him in the woods and stitched him up the back? He’s that tank.
Those guys in the tanks are players just like you, except they don’t have to run, and they spent all their money on Metallica cassettes and gasoline. They’re just out to have fun. Let them roll around and shoot their paint, but when the presence of that tank starts to affect your game, don’t get flustered — blast it with a LAW, immobilize it in a remote corner of the field, or lure it away from your base with a socket wrench dangling from a string. Just keep your cool. With these six tips, you don’t have to fear the big bad tank.
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