Now that I have that out of the way…

Some people like to say they have “experience”. Experience is a nice way to say you’ve had your ass handed to you in a very unpleasant way and you learned something from the exercise. “Hard way” knowledge sticks with you.

With that in mind, I was called an asshole to my face yesterday at the field.

The situation, we’re playing on a field that’s 80% “speedball with trees”. A fun field, but not what I wanted to do. I wanted that other 20%. THAT section is packed with tall grass and thick scrub with deer trails through it. It’s also what I love to play. Gimme a crawling lane that goes end to end on the field, and I’m there. Nobody goes in there, because it looks like there’s no cover. If you know what you’re doing, it’s got LOTS of cover.

The game progresses, I get a lucky shot on the only other guy in the scrub with me. I admit it was luck, I didn’t have time to aim or anything. (Side note, it’s funny that the two oldest players on the field were the only two in the scrub, and the next game we met in the same scrub but he got me first.) I continue the crawl with a LOT of help from my teammates distracting the opponents. I get literally to the far boundary of the field, make a hard left, and start in behind the opponents. I see a cluster of opponents in a bunker about 45-50 feet away, it looked like there were five in there, and I throw a string into the position.

After they call themselves out, one guy gets in my face and starts yelling at me that I’m an asshole. “You shot us like 15 times!” Show me 15 hits. “Ok, like 3 a piece! You’re an asshole!” No, I’m protecting myself. “You’re an asshole.” By this time all the players in the bunker left, there were four of them not five, so I still felt justified. But this guy was following me around, being VERY loud that I was an asshole for “lighting us up.”

Finally I told him to his face “Fine, I’m an asshole. But I’m an asshole who got a killer flank on you that you didn’t see.” And that shut him up, but I’ve been reviewing the situation and if I had to do it again, I’d do the exact same thing. Why? Experience.

First of all, from the day. Already in the day I had taken a LOT of bouncers. I can only attribute some of it to my natural body padding (aka “fat”), but the bouncer off my goggles? That I can’t discount to anything but the weather and paint. The field is BYOP, so it wasn’t bad field paint. The weather was hot, somewhat humid in the woods but not too bad. So already I know that the paint is bouncy today. “OSOK” takedowns are non existent.

Also from the day a lot of players were simply not calling themselves out. This is what happens when you get huge walk on games, players feel anonymous enough to get away with blatant cheating. And even if you saturate the field with refs, it’s still not going to help because all it takes is one guy to start the cascade. “Oh, he’s cheating? Fine, I will too.” Its human nature, I hate to say.

Now let’s go back further into the experience bag of tricks. I’ve come across many situations where there are multiple people behind one bunker. I’m an old school stalker player, so I find ways to get behind opponents a lot. I used to take one shot per opponent, but I found the hard way that two things happen, and always in this order: The opponents say something vulgar; the opponents turn and light you up like a Christmas tree. Usually it sounds like “OH FUCK!” and then about 5 seconds of firing as fast as their guns can shoot.

Simple reason, I’ve just managed to scare the living shit out of them! Especially these days, most players don’t expect an opponent to crawl from end to end of the field through GRASS. They’re expecting a straight up pound-down shootout like on the airball field. So when someone suddenly appears out of “nowhere” and shoots their buddy in the back once, the natural reaction is from that small lizard section of the brain. “Fight of flight.” And flight isn’t an option, so they do the next best thing. They unleash with the most firepower they can. And thy can do this because they have time to kick that thought into action between on 1 shot a piece.

Either that or they assume that you just cheated somehow, as there’s no way anyone can get behind them, and they deem that they must punish you with paintballs. And yes, I’ve been accused of cheating because “There’s no fucking way anyone can get around us through that!” And I’ve had to demonstrate that, yes, I could and did. It’s annoying. VERY annoying.

The other thing that happens is that the target “ghosts” his information to the live players. He gets hit, looks down, sees the shot, and yells “Hit! He’s right there!” Now I’m screwed three ways to Quebec. Because now as he’s standing up they’re gonna start shooting. If I return fire, the dead guy screams and bitches about how I’m lighting him up. So we go back to me being the asshole for lighting up a guy, and more of his teammates, but this time they’re using him as a meat shield and I’m hung out to dry.

It took me more than a few times to pick up on this stuff. At first I thought it was regional, until it happened when I was on vacation in another state and I realized its just humanity. So I tried to figure out how to avoid getting lit up by 3-4 scared and armed people. And the only answer I came up with is “Shock and Awe”. Overwhelm the opponents so they have no time to think, and use my own firepower to do so.

Back to this situation. 45-50 foot shot, this is a gimme. At least 3 in the bunker, I assumed 5 because of how they were stacked up positionally in the bunker. First player I can see is wearing a jersey, so he knows what he’s doing. Another player in there is wearing a down vest as padding. There’s no other explanation for it when the outside temp is easily over 80F. I can’t see the guns, I only have a small window to shoot through and a smaller window of opportunity to take advantage of this. So, “Shock and Awe.”

The front player, the one who was doing all the complaining, was the first to get hit. But he sat in the way of the rest of my shots, acting as a meat shield for his friends with him. I tried to shoot around him, but he somehow found ways to lean to block my shots. I should mention this too, before the game I had forgotten to turn my hopper on, so all I had was the warp feed pushing paint into the gun. So I had, tops, 15 shots. I just didn’t realize it.

Between four players, 15 shots, a little less than 4 a piece. This is assuming that they all broke, which they didn’t. This is also assuming that the first player, in the jersey, got out of the way when he felt the first impact. He didn’t. This is also assuming that all the shots made it to them, which they didn’t. But, I’m still an asshole for “lighting them up” and shooting the group 15 times.

Fine, I’ll be an asshole. But let’s look at this from the other side. Let’s say I shot the first guy once, his bunkermates either figure out or are told where I am, and they turn and burn. I get shot at least 10 times per opponent, 30+ hits. Now who’s the asshole? “Well you shouldn’t sneak up on people like that! You have to expect that you’re gonna get torched like that!” Yeah, I’ve heard that line many times too. So I wonder if his teammates lit me up, and I called them assholes, what they’d say about it?

But I guess I’m the asshole. I used stealth, years of hard-learned experience, more than a little skill and knowledge of who was on my team, a little field knowledge and more than a little luck to get into a position I did. They had tunnel vision, padded vests, e-guns and a very large bunker to hide behind. But I’m the asshole. Well, here’s to hoping that perhaps the incident gave them some experience too, but somehow I doubt it.

So a few weekends ago, I played paintball with the world’s most talented newbie. The guy was amazing, for his first time ever playing. I mean he was incredible for someone who had never played paintball before. Except for one thing.

The guy was also the world’s biggest liar this side of government and weather forecasters.

How could I tell? Well, many subtle clues on how the guy acted and how he presented himself. I mean he swore up and down he’d never ever played paintball before. He even asked his friends to vouch for him, and they all said he’d never played before too. But, let’s review why this guy was not a newbie.

#1 : Clothing. New players almost always want more padding, more clothing, and more protection. They’re terrified to get hit! This guy was wearing shorts and a t-shirt, no hat, and not even asking about chest protectors. Ok, he may have been trying to prove how macho he was. I’ll buy that.

#2 : Language. It’s very possible that a new player cold spend weeks pouring over information and finding out what the terms you use are. It’s all out there from the basic glossary of what a “paintball marker” is to what each airball bunker is called. I’ll give that. But to hear a newbie casually cursing and calling bunkers “POS positions” perks eyebrows, at least for me.

#3 : Body Language. New players have that “deer in the headlights” look. I mean who can blame them. They’re entering an arena where they are about to get SHOT AT. Thing guy was casual, the “been there done that” attitude. Holding a paintgun comfortably, walking around like he owned the place, more joking with his friends than talking about the game that happened.

#4 : Actions. New players almost never move up. Short of using a cattle prod, they won’t make their way up the field. This guy, on the other hand? Not only did he crash the mid bunkers every game but he knew why he was doing it. When I saw him do this the first game out, that made me wonder.

But the biggest tip off? He was wearing only a t-shirt to play in. It was a staff t-shirt from the field, turned inside-out. And all his friends? They also had staff t-shirts on, inside out. And they loaned him the gun, goggles, and carry-on paint they brought in with them (against the rules but since they were employees it was ok). Nice try hombre, you “phail” at being a “noob”. The only logical explanation I have is that for some reason, he and his friends get off on pretending to be noobs, and go bash on real new players who come to the field. But since that would give them a bad reputation, they turn their shirts inside out so that they’re not “staff members” when they do it.

It continues to amaze me that in paintball, it’s seen as “ok” to bash new players. It’s almost like hazing them, to see if they’re tough enough to stick around and keep playing. Guess what folks, it’s not cool. Your most common player is a person who plays 3-4 times a year, doesn’t give a damn about tournament play, and probably rents all the time. To quote Durty Dan, beating up new players is like butterfly hunting with a shotgun. Sure it’s fun, but what do you have to show for yourself at the end of the day?

So a word of advice for the worlds greatest noob I played against the other week. If you want a challenge, go buy a decent pump gun and play against the real new players. You don’t need to “borrow” an e-gun from a friend. And if by SOME miracle you really were a new player, dude, you should try out for an X-Ball team. But honestly, *I* can play a better newbie than you can. But whatever, if that’s what you want to enjoy, so be it.

Well, apparently this blog was hacked. the bastards left a malwear calling card too. Removed, and if I find the guy who decided it’d be WAY COOL to do that I’ll beat them with a socket wrench. I have one handy for just such an occasion.

Ahh, on to business. With the Olympics around the corner, a lot of people start asking why paintball is not an Olympic sport yet. “It’s been around for 20 years or more, millions played, and it’s COOL!!!” Ok, you want to know why? Here, let me spell it out for you all. We, as a sport, are not ready for it.

I could go off on a lot of tangents, but let me focus on a few key points. First is the “Olympic Charter“. See, the IOC, International Olympic Committee, has guidelines on what is, and is not, an olympic sport. They change the rules recently, but the basics are that sports must focus on athletics, and not on technology. This is being pushed to the breaking point with some of the new advances in some sports (swimsuits, for example), but the focus is on the athlete.

A good example of this is windsurfing. Olympic windsurfing is a tech sport, with sails and boards, but all the competitors use the same board and sail. So to put it into perspective, if paintball wanted to be an olympic sport, we would have to do similar. Everyone would use the same gun, or the same style gun at least. Oh, and no electronics. See, the IOC frowns on technology performing for the athlete, including ramping or assisted shooting.

More than likely there would need to be a standard uniform, standard size allowable padding, and so on. The paint usage per team or per player would need to be regulated, as even biathlon skiers get only 5 shots to hit 5 targets. Electronics would probably be out, so mechanical semis are in. Stock Class would work even better as it would show true skill but that’s my personal bias. Fields would probably be speedball style, as it’s easier to show and have an audience. So limited paint, mechanical semis, and standard fields around the world. Ya know, when I bring up “limited paint” people have fits. Imagine telling them they can’t use their new e-gun too? Oh, I can already hear the whinging.

I could also focus on the fact that eligible sports need to have an international governing body. Paintball is so splintered right now that there’s no possibility of this happening in the near future. We have a lot of independent events world wide, but no official international governing body. That can change, but nobody has made the move to do it.

But let me hit you all with the real reason paintball will never be an Olympic sport, or at least not in the near future. The “WADA Code”. See, rule 46, bylaw 1.7 of the IOC charter states that all sports in the olympics must adhere to the “World Anti Doping Agency” list of banned substances and procedures. Simple translation? Every tournament player would have to submit to random drug testing at events, and outside of events.

So, try to imagine yourself right now. Are you ready, RIGHT NOW, to pass a WADA drug test? You may think you are, but you probably don’t know what’s in the WADA code. Well, here, a link to the WADA code. Head spinning yet? Now read the prohibited list.

That’ll get your brain in knots, won’t it?

What does it all mean? Well, some of the stuff on the list is obvious. Others not so much. Steroids, good example. Many asthmatics use a banned IOC substance daily in their rescue inhalers. In fact one medal was stripped from an athlete because he used an over the counter asthma med that in the host country had the banned substance, but in his did not. Honest mistake, but t cost him a medal.

So think again, almost all the players I know have no clue what they put in their body on a week to week basis. Hell, hour to hour for that matter. And, oh yeah, if you’re an athlete in a sport with the WADA code going, they can test you out of competition too. So you could be at team practice, and a WADA guy will ask you to pee in a cup for them. Are you ready for that? Ready to have your privacy invaded? Ready to have a total stranger tell you what you’ve been doing on the weekends for recreation?

Based on what I’ve seen, and heard from everyone I’ve asked, the answer is no. “NO WAY I’m gonna do that! I’m not gonna give up my fun weekend! I’m not gonna jump through hoops so I can use my prescription meds!” Well, then no way paintball is going to be an olympic sport. Sorry. The thing is that sacrifices have to be made, personal freedoms are one of them. And not enough people I know are willing to do that. And, until they do, paintball is left out of the Olympic games.

So before you start saying paintball should be in the olympics, think about it. Are you prepared to sacrifice a lot to do it? Are you ready to be drug tested? Are you ready to sacrifice your local series for an international one? Are you ready to use standard gear and not you new “shiny paintslinger 5000″? You ready to be told that you have to have limits put on the game to make is an athletic competition, and not just a technology sport?

Think before you answer that.

I want to talk a little about “slide cheating”. This isn’t about a technique or a way to make a bunker and wipe a hit (but in my time I’ve seen some masterfully done sliding wipes), it’s something that we woods players see all the time. And you’ve done it, we all have. Perhaps inadvertently, perhaps intentionally. I call it “slide cheating” because we tend to let it slide. You know, it’s just a little thing, let it slide, it’s not like it really affects the action, right? The biggest one is something that I saw a lot of at the last few scenario games I’ve been to. The “ghost cheater”.

We all say it to death. “Dead men don’t talk.” But they do in paintball. “Ghost cheaters” are very common. Guy is on point, or way out in front where he can’t get support from his friends. He gets shot due to his own ineptitude by a “sniper” who shoots one ball and pastes him between the eyes. On his way back to the dead zone, he passes his teammates and says “He’s behind that tree with the barrel next to it, flank him.” and keeps on walking.

Let’s look at this from the other side. The opponent probably worked his tail off to make that spot unseen. Or he just got lucky and found “the spot” to go to. Or whatever, he EARNED a takedown. He fired one shot, did everything right. And what happens? The guy he shot gets revenge on him by telling his teammates his location, how many there are, and all but how to take him out.

I’ve BEEN that guy before, and let me tell you it SUCKS. A lot of hard work goes into being sneaky, and because you’re angry that you didn’t see me you have to ruin all my effort in 2 seconds of talking. Last time someone did that to me I shot him in the goggles again. Obviously, he was still in the game because he was talking to his teammates. Then I proceeded to maul his teammates, just for good measure.

Here’s the thing, most players see no problem if an eliminated teammate tells them “Hey, there’s a guy over there”, regardless if they should have this information or not. “It really doesn’t make a difference” Well, yes it does. It’s information that you should not otherwise have. And you can’t unhear it once you’ve heard it. So no matter what, you’re going to react to that information in one way or another.

It may seem minor, until you realize that one person can stall a group of 20 for several minutes if they don’t know it’s only one person. And that timing can be the difference between making a mission or failing it. A single piece of information gained through a “ghost” can mean a team makes mission points or fails. Now imagine a scenario being won or lost because some guy “ghosted” information to his teammates. Yeah, someone’s not going home happy, and they’ll be more likely to cheat the next time.

What really frustrated me, however, is the well intentioned referees who were doing this too. I had a ref tell me where opponents were, how many there were, and how to get them out! Why? I think he was frustrated that my pace wasn’t the heavy sprint that makes it exciting. Look, I know you mean well, but I’ve been playing this game a while. I like to think I know what’s going on, and if I don’t I like to know the opponent did a better job than I did. And besides, I’m old, fat and slow. I’ll get there in a while, ok pal?

People tell me that in chess you learn by losing. You don’t, you learn by learning. You try something, it works or doesn’t work, and you choose to learn from the experience. Being told what to do is not learning, it’s simply doing what someone else told you to do without understanding why it’s effective. So when someone tells you where the bad guy is, you don’t learn how to see through trees and scrub, you don’t l earn how to flank, you don’t learn what to look for, you just react to information. It doesn’t make you a better player, it makes you a video game AI working off a “Radar HUD”. I’d rather learn and think, not just react to blips.

So I’m asking this to the world at large, and trying to do so nicely. Let’s kill the “slide cheating” now. If you’re out, walk all your information off the field with you. When you get to your dead box, THEN share information with the guys there. It doesn’t matter, you’re all out for the moment anyway, and it’s no different than getting intel by aerial reconnaissance for the commanders if you’re into that kind of thing. Or if, like in this game, there are medics and instant respawns, then wait ’till you’re back in the action THEN share information as a live player.

Now if a guy needs a squeegee or his gun is broken down or he needs some help with making his gun work and you’re walking by, sure stop and help. That’s just a cool thing to do. But don’t get up and say “oh, by the way, you’re surrounded.” Let them find out for themselves. The lesson is better learned through trial and error rather than being told what to do. And you might have some company to walk back to the dead box and you can share a laugh.