So a few weekends ago, I played paintball with the world’s most talented newbie. The guy was amazing, for his first time ever playing. I mean he was incredible for someone who had never played paintball before. Except for one thing.

The guy was also the world’s biggest liar this side of government and weather forecasters.

How could I tell? Well, many subtle clues on how the guy acted and how he presented himself. I mean he swore up and down he’d never ever played paintball before. He even asked his friends to vouch for him, and they all said he’d never played before too. But, let’s review why this guy was not a newbie.

#1 : Clothing. New players almost always want more padding, more clothing, and more protection. They’re terrified to get hit! This guy was wearing shorts and a t-shirt, no hat, and not even asking about chest protectors. Ok, he may have been trying to prove how macho he was. I’ll buy that.

#2 : Language. It’s very possible that a new player cold spend weeks pouring over information and finding out what the terms you use are. It’s all out there from the basic glossary of what a “paintball marker” is to what each airball bunker is called. I’ll give that. But to hear a newbie casually cursing and calling bunkers “POS positions” perks eyebrows, at least for me.

#3 : Body Language. New players have that “deer in the headlights” look. I mean who can blame them. They’re entering an arena where they are about to get SHOT AT. Thing guy was casual, the “been there done that” attitude. Holding a paintgun comfortably, walking around like he owned the place, more joking with his friends than talking about the game that happened.

#4 : Actions. New players almost never move up. Short of using a cattle prod, they won’t make their way up the field. This guy, on the other hand? Not only did he crash the mid bunkers every game but he knew why he was doing it. When I saw him do this the first game out, that made me wonder.

But the biggest tip off? He was wearing only a t-shirt to play in. It was a staff t-shirt from the field, turned inside-out. And all his friends? They also had staff t-shirts on, inside out. And they loaned him the gun, goggles, and carry-on paint they brought in with them (against the rules but since they were employees it was ok). Nice try hombre, you “phail” at being a “noob”. The only logical explanation I have is that for some reason, he and his friends get off on pretending to be noobs, and go bash on real new players who come to the field. But since that would give them a bad reputation, they turn their shirts inside out so that they’re not “staff members” when they do it.

It continues to amaze me that in paintball, it’s seen as “ok” to bash new players. It’s almost like hazing them, to see if they’re tough enough to stick around and keep playing. Guess what folks, it’s not cool. Your most common player is a person who plays 3-4 times a year, doesn’t give a damn about tournament play, and probably rents all the time. To quote Durty Dan, beating up new players is like butterfly hunting with a shotgun. Sure it’s fun, but what do you have to show for yourself at the end of the day?

So a word of advice for the worlds greatest noob I played against the other week. If you want a challenge, go buy a decent pump gun and play against the real new players. You don’t need to “borrow” an e-gun from a friend. And if by SOME miracle you really were a new player, dude, you should try out for an X-Ball team. But honestly, *I* can play a better newbie than you can. But whatever, if that’s what you want to enjoy, so be it.